» Closed Jokes 2009

[Tan]

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

' Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

[Khthonia™]

LMFAO Tan

[Khthonia™]

When you have to visit a public bathroom, you

usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take

your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the

stall doors. Every stall is occupied.

Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly

knocking down the woman leaving the stall.

You get in to find the door won't latch. It

doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet

your pants! The dispenser for the modern 'seat covers' (invented

by someone's Mom, no doubt) is handy, but empty. You would hang

your purse on the door hook, if there was one, but there isn't -

so you carefully, but quickly drape it around your neck, (Mom

would turn over in her grave if you put it on the FLOOR!), yank

down your pants, and assume ' The Stance.'

In this position your aging, toneless thigh

muscles begin to shake. You'd love to sit down, but you

certainly hadn't taken time to wipe the seat or lay toilet paper

on it, so you hold 'The Stance.'

To take your mind off your trembling thighs, you

reach for what you discover to be the empty toilet paper

dispenser. In your mind, you can hear your mother's voice

saying, 'Honey, if you had tried to clean the seat, you would

have KNOWN there was no toilet paper!' Your thighs shake more.

You remember the tiny tissue that you blew your

nose on yesterday - the one that's still in your purse. (Oh

yeah, the purse around your neck, that now, you have to hold up

trying not to strangle yourself at the same time). That would

have to do. You crumple it in the puffiest way possible. It's

still smaller than your thumbnail .... ;

Someone pushes your door open because the latch

doesn't work. The door hits your purse, which is hanging around

your neck in front of your chest, and you and your purse topple

backward against the tank of the toilet. 'Occupied!' you scream,

as you reach for the door, dropping your precious, tiny,

crumpled tissue in a puddle on the floor, lose your footing

altogether, and slide down directly onto theTOILET SEAT. It is

wet of course. You bolt up, knowing all too well tha t it's too

late. Your bare bottom has made contact with every imaginable

germ and life form on the uncovered seat because YOU never laid

down toilet paper - not that there was any, even if you had

taken time to try. You know that your mother would be utterly

appalled if she knew, because, you're certain her bare bottom

never touched a public toilet seat because, frankly, dear, 'You

just don't KNOW what kind of diseases you could get.' ;

By this time, the automatic sensor on the back of

th e toilet is so confused that it flushes, propelling a stream

of water like a fire hose against the inside of the bowl that

sprays a fine mist of water that covers your butt and runs down

your legs and into your shoes. The flush somehow sucks

everything down with such force that you grab onto the empty

toilet paper dispenser for fear of being dragged in too.

At this point, you give up. You're soaked by the

spewing water and the wet toilet seat. You're exhausted. You try

to wipe with a gum wrapper you found in your pocket and then

slink out inconspicuously to the sinks.

You can't figure out how to operate the faucets

with the automatic sensors, so you wipe your hands with spit and

a dry paper towel and walk past the line of women still waiting.

You are no longer able to smile politely to them.

A kind soul at the very end of the line points out a piece of

toilet paper trailing from your shoe. ( Where was that when you

NEEDED it??) You yank the paper from your shoe, plunk it in the

woman's hand and tell her warmly, 'Here, you just might need

this.'

As you exit, you spot your hubby, who has long since

entered, used, and left the men's restroom. Annoyed, he asks,

'What took you so long, and why is your purse hanging around

your neck?'

This is dedicated to women everywhere who deal

with a public restrooms (rest??? you've GOT to be kidding!!). It

finally explains to the men what really does take us so long. It

also answers their other commonly asked questions about why

women go to the restroom in pairs. It's so the other gal can

hold the door, hang onto your purse and hand you Kleenex under

the door!

[Tca]

oh god thats funny!!!!!!!

[Tca]

still hilarious

[Tca]

A sandwich walks into the bar and the bartender says "sorry mate, we don't serve food here"

A man walks into the bar with a piece of bitumen under his arm and says "i'll have one for me and one for the road"

A man walks into the bar with a pig under his arm and the bartender says "i won't have that ugly thing in here" the man says "thats not very nice, he is just a pig" the bartender says "i was talking to the pig"

2 men walked into a bar and said "ouch" the 3rd one ducked.

A guy is drunk at the bar one night and he finishes his beer and he says to the bartender "i have to take a leak, i'll bet you $500 i could piss into this glass, without spilling a drop, standing from 10 feet back". The bartender obviously thinks he is bluffing and says "alright, go for it". The guy pisses and pisses, gets it all over the bar, the bartender, the floor, the taps, everywhere apart from the glass. The bartender says to him "you didn't get a drop in the glass, that'll be $500". The guy looks at him and says "thats ok, i bet a guy out back $1000 earlier that i could piss all over the bar, you, the taps, the floor, everywhere and you wouldn't be angry".

[Khthonia™]

There is a very, very tall coconut tree and there are 4 animals, a Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel, who pass by. They decide to compete to see who is the fastest to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . . Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?
























•

•

If your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're a moron.

Giraffe = you're a complete idiot.

Squirrel = you're just hopelessly stupid.

A COCONUT TREE DOESN'T HAVE BANANAS.

Obviously you're stressed and overworked. You should take some time off and relax!

Try again next year.

[Khthonia™]

Apparently this is a true story.

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed, and that one thing was her younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight mini skirts and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me and I got many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled down her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house. I walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.

"The moral of this story is:"

"Always keep your condoms in your car."

[Forum Master™]

!!!

[Forum Master™]

I forgot to say the whole throwing of the knickers down the stairs wasn't lost on me